It's Easier to Care for Something That Can't Ask Why You Stopped

To those I love and sometimes forget, while dealing with my own thoughts, regrets and upset.

Have you thought of loving something but at the same time hurting it when things get rough? Or have you thought about caring for something or someone whom you know you'll forget sometimes?

I have 8 fish right now. 2 Oscars, 1 Female Flowerhorn, 3 Gouramis, 1 Betta and 1 Guppy. (Obviously not in the same tank.)

I say I don't deserve them because honestly, I've forgotten to feed them. Not for a day. For days. Multiple times.

It always happens the same way. Life gets heavy, money gets tight, motivation disappears, I stop showering properly, I stop caring about things including myself. And somewhere in that fog, I forget that I have something to care about, something without a mouth to ask or hands to feed themselves.

Truly, is it hard or am I just irresponsible? To buy or get something that doesn't deserve to be affected by my own recklessness. Who am I to have living things depending on me when I can't even depend on myself sometimes?

But I always come back. I always stand up and swim through my thoughts, check on them, feed them on time and myself too.

My Betta is 1 year old. One full year. She's survived my financial stress, my lazy periods, my "I'll feed them tomorrow" phases. She's honestly more resilient than I am.

The Guppy is the last one standing from my original group. I don't even know how. I had 4 or 5 types of guppies, multiple fry, and yet somehow this one is on an entirely different level.

I know some people will read this and think "this dude is irresponsible." Maybe. But I hope someone will read this and recognize that feeling, the one where neglecting something small feels like proof of something bigger. Like you're not worthy of caring for anything or anyone.

What I've learned though, and this is genuinely something only the fish taught me, is that coming back matters more than never leaving. Every time I've snapped out of it I've cleaned the tank, fixed the filter, remade the scape and fed them properly again. They don't hold grudges. They just swim up to the glass when they see me. (Obviously they want food.)

Also! I looked this up, skipping one day of feeding is actually fine for fish. It's like Ramadan for them. Fasting is healthy apparently. So at least my worst days are accidentally good fish care. And fasting for me too.